Allie’s Guidelines to a Successful and Happy 20s

Now that I am officially in my mid-twenties, I’ve come to realize how brilliant and well adjusted I actually am, all thanks to these awesome life tips I’ve picked up along the way. Want a successful, happy, and profitable third decade? Just follow these guidelines and you could be in my shoes!

FOR YOUR HEALTH

Drink Ridiculously Large Amounts of Coffee Right Before Bedtime. Because nothing gets you more jazzed for bedtime than a hot, steaming cup of raw sugar and French Vanilla creamer.

I can taste the 8 hours of sleep.

Be Sure to Eat a Balanced Breakfast. It’s hard to goal tend on an empty stomach, so take advantage of those sprinkles.

Don’t Forget to Add to Your Workouts with Snacks and Alcohol. You just played two hours of softball or got your ass kicked in HNA? Celebrate those burned calories with an extra large burrito and a margarita.

Never Dress to Please the Mother Nature. If you wear pants and a coat in November, she wins. And don’t let her scare you with that 90 degree heat and high pollen count.

Sunscreen is for quitters.

Trust Your Athletic Ability! Instead of doubting your body with stretches and training runs, jump right into that Tough Mudder with nothing but sheer guts and determination. Your muscles will thank you.

If you don’t sprain an ankle you aren’t trying hard enough.

There Is Always Time for a Nap….if You Are Dedicated. If you can’t fall asleep on a pile of shoes in the corner of a hotel party, clearly you aren’t sleepy enough and should keep partying.

 

Sometimes you just gotta let it happen.

IN YOUR SOCIAL LIFE

Be As Weird As Humanely Possible. You will never need to sign a card, claim a present, or volunteer for anything if you project all your weirdness to your peers. There will never be any doubt when you’ve had your hand in something.

She knew it was from me.

Don’t Be Afraid to Be Obnoxious and Immature. It only highlights your mature moments when you do have them.

She deserves a medal for putting up with me.

Learn to Accessorize. But make sure your accessories aren’t considered “weapons” that are “unsafe for high school dances.”

Keep Your Fridge Well Stocked for Visitors! Nothing says “welcome to my home!” like a beer and mozzerella cheese.

Dress to Impress. If you choose a vibrant and classy wardrobe at home, it will increase productivity and energy!

Learn How to Talk to Cops. It limits the anxiety and overwhelming urge to burst into tears as a defense mechanism when they inevitably pull you over.

If all else fails, bribe them with souvenir photos.

Embarrass Your Siblings As Often As Humanely Possible. You are only preparing them for the real world. You’re welcome, kids.

IN THE WORKPLACE

Get Irrationally Excited About Everything. Nothing will prove that you are a full fledged, fully professional employee like skipping down the hallway singing about Crispy M&Ms being back.

I didn’t stay fucking calm.

Snack on Candy and Cookies to Keep Up that Sugar Rush-and Don’t be Afraid to Share the High with Your Fellow Employees! Nothing will perk up their frustrating day like endless jittering from their cubicle neighbor.

#ringpopproblems

Keep Your Workspace Stocked with the Essentials. Pens and pencils are a must, but many people forget that its the little extras that make the day go smoother.

 

 And I Can’t Stress this Enough, Guys….Balanced Breakfast.

There you have it, folks. The secrets to my success. Copyright me.